When I became engaged, many people cautioned me to beware unrealistic expectations during my first year of marriage. I understood the wisdom of this advice, and did my best to prepare myself accordingly. I made certain to prepare my mind for difficult days and wasn’t expecting my house to stay clean every moment, the transition away from my family to be easy, or my husband to bring me roses every morning. In the final weeks before my wedding day, I believed I was pretty prepared to approach marriage with realistic expectations and began to pride myself that I was entering marriage without any expectations at all. But, like every other bride, I did have expectations of what newlywed life should be like. It didn’t take me long to realize what my expectations were, and that they were not being met.
My expectations for my first year of marriage did not include undergoing multiple medical procedures. They didn’t include taking an entire month off of work due to health issues, or spending money on medications I didn’t want to take. My expectations for wedded bliss didn’t include disappointment with my job, difficult coordinating schedules, or letting my frustration with infertility cause me to speak unkindly to my husband. My first year of marriage has been wonderful, but my expectations were certainly not met. And as soon as expectations weren’t met, discontentment started to creep in to my life. I told myself I shouldn’t be discontent. I have been blessed with a loving husband, a beautiful apartment, and a family who support and care about me. I should be overflowing with gratitude! But the discontentment continued to grow - and with discontentment came frustration and fear of the unknown.
It wasn’t until late June that I realized how big a hold I had allowed discontentment to have on my heart. While meeting with a friend at a coffee shop, I suddenly realized I couldn’t think of anything to talk about that I was satisfied with. My work was frustrating, my health was declining, my dreams were ending, and I felt like God was distant and far away. Not having anything positive to say, I remained pretty silent for the rest of our visit and let my friend do the majority of the talking. As I listened to her talk about the great things God was doing in her life, I inwardly I resolved to battle the discontentment in my heart, even if I wasn’t sure how to begin.
It is impossible to have unmet expectations if you have no expectations to begin with, so most of the advice I found on how to be content focused on getting rid of expectations and desires. As Mrs. Lynd would say, “Blessed are those who look forward to nothing for they will never be disappointed.” However, I quickly found this advice not only to be ineffective but also basically impossible. It is part of my nature to look forward to and plan things, and trying to empty my mind of everything I hoped for and dreamed about left me feeling slightly depressed and incredibly bored.
Humans need something to look forward. It is completely natural and right to have expectations. But God never guarantees that every human desire I have will be met. Isaiah 55: 8-9 reminds me, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” If my expectations don’t line up with God’s will for my life, I will always be disappointed. The root of my discontentment is not in having desires, but rather in having desires that are not in line with the promises God gives
God promises to carry me through every hardship through the working of His Holy Spirit within me (Phil 4:12-13). I ask Him to remove my headache.
God promises to cause every circumstance I face to work together for my good (Romans 8:28). I ask him to make my difficult-to-love co-worker leave me alone.
God promises me eternal life as His adopted daughter in a place that is free of sorrow and promises me the privilege of enjoying and praising Him forever (1 John 5:11). I ask that He guarantee I don’t arrive at that glorious place “too soon”.
As I began to examine the root of my discontentment, I realized that I am not discontent because I want too much; I am discontent because I settle for too little. As CS Lewis clearly states, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
I still haven’t mastered the art of being content, and I doubt I ever will in this life. But I’m starting with an attempt to re-align my expectations with the promises of God. God’s promises to me are far greater than anything else I could imagine.
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