“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” - Isaiah 55:8-9
Throughout my years in high school and college, I was surrounded by the message that I was born to do something great. My classmates were convinced my name would be famous someday, I was hailed as a “role model” at my church, and my college professors urged me to pursue a masters degree because I was “smart enough to make it.” Although not as talented as many assumed, the skills I had developed (specifically in speech and debate tournaments) tended to be ones that shone in the spotlight, so everyone assumed the spotlight was where I should be. After witnessing one of my speeches, a particularly passionate lady came up to me a declared, “You have to go into leadership and speaking roles when you grow up! You have been given a gift. Don’t waste it!” Although kindly meant, her words made my heart sink at the time. I didn’t want a leadership role and knew I was poorly equipped to serve in a management capacity. I had recently been hoping to pursue a career where I could work with people with special needs, but that career choice didn’t seem to line up with other people’s plans for me to be great. Convinced that I would not enjoy a leadership role, but equally convinced I would let others down if I didn’t do something “great”, I found myself turning to God one sleepless night with the confused prayer, “Lord, couldn’t I serve you better in leadership?”
I ultimately decided against finding a leadership role and contented myself with going to a technical college for occupational therapy. In college I announced my intention to serve overseas after graduation. Some of my friends were shocked at my decision to “waste my potential” in a third world country, but most of my friends were proud of my decision, believing that overseas mission work was the greatest work a person could do. I loved the idea of working overseas, I specifically studied towards that goal, and I wasn’t prepared for the rush of disappointment that came when the door to overseas missions work suddenly closed in my face. Despite my best efforts to make the door open again, it remained firmly shut. In frustration I sunk to my knees one day and prayed, “Lord, couldn’t I serve you better overseas?”
After graduating from college, I took a job at a small pediatric clinic and began to settle in. My daily work lacked the excitement and importance that missions work seemed to hold, but I gradually started to see small moments of impact. The first time a little girl learned to feed herself, the first time a little boy said my name, and the first time a parent reported progress in their child’s handwriting became treasured reminders to me that I was doing something important. I began to feel the thrill of making a difference in people’s lives. Until the day I realized I couldn’t keep up. Each day of work began to take a heavier toll on me as doctors and family members struggled to find a reason for my declining health. I soon found myself in my boss’s office requesting a decrease in hours. Six months later I found myself in the same office asking for a medical leave of absence in the summer. Although the meeting went well, I left work that day completely discouraged and defeated. Tears started to stream from my eyes as I cried out in pain, “Lord, couldn’t I serve you better if I was well?”
I arrived home from the meeting with my boss and dejectedly announced to my husband that my boss had given me an entire month off to recover after my procedure.
Setting down his paperwork, my husband gave me a hug and exclaimed,“Wonderful! That’s even better than we were hoping.”
I dramatically flopped down on the bed, and my husband took a seat next to me. “So . . . you don’t seem really happy about that.”
“I’m not. I’ll feel like I’m not accomplishing anything or doing anything good enough to justify an entire month.”
Silence reigned of a moment as he gently stroked my hair and then replied “Maybe this season of your life isn’t really about what you can do. Maybe it’s more about how you can grow.”
I always have wonderful ideas about how I can best serve God with my life. I dream of doing impressive things, skilled things, things I enjoy, and things that make an obvious difference in the lives of others. But often I become so focused on what I hope to accomplish for God that I fail to focus on the things He is accomplishing in me. It is my sanctification, not my ability to accomplish big things, that ultimately brings God the most glory.
I tried to follow my husband’s advice. I didn’t follow it perfectly, but as I shifted my focus from what I was doing to how I was growing, I found the command in 1 Peter 3:18 to “grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” wasn’t as difficult as I had imagined it would be. In fact, it was really enjoyable to focus on God’s work in me instead of my own efforts to do good things. When I took my mind off the impressive things I was planning to do for God, I found Him doing immeasurably more than I could have dreamed within me.
Today I changed a diaper. I taught a kid to tie his shoes. I explained insurance coverage to a family. I washed finger paint out of my hair. I enjoy my work, and love the kids I work with, but there are still moments when a nagging voice in the back of my mind seems to call out, “Shouldn’t you be doing something bigger right now?” At those times I cling to the promise of Ephesians 2:10, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” God has a specific purpose for my life and He will accomplish that plan regardless of my gifts, skills, or inclinations. Even when I am far from my comfort zone, the spotlight, and places where I feel I can serve Him best, God is constantly teaching me to trust Him and drawing my heart ever closer to His own. It may be that none of the things I do on a daily basis are considered “great” in the world’s eyes. And it may be that I never do something impressive for God like I always dreamed I would. But I can be confident that wherever I find myself, I am exactly where God wants me to be, and exactly where I can grow best. This is a part of His plan for my life. And there is no better way I can serve my Lord than to faithfully follow His leading.
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