I felt like a knife had suddenly been thrust into my chest. This was the third baby announcement I had received in a week, and rather than get easier with time, each joyful announcement seemed to hurt more than the last. I tried to clear the mist from my eyes and silently began to pray for strength, but as soon as I began composing a reply to send to my friend’s joyful announcement, unwelcome thoughts began to crowd into my mind. How much longer until it’s my turn? Will I ever make a baby announcement of my own? I took a deep breath and tried to clear the rebel thoughts away, but they continued to come. My fingers hovered over the keys but I couldn’t think what to write, and my thoughts began to drift away again. Their pregnancy came so effortlessly, so fast. It must be wonderful to know you will be a mother soon . . . To raise children . . . To hold a baby of your own . . . I cut my pondering short. I wasn’t getting anywhere with my message and my eyes were starting to fill with tears, so I typed out a pathetically short congratulatory message and hit send. I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair with a small sigh. Why not me, Lord?
I tried to reframe my emotions into what a "good Christian" is supposed to feel. I reminded myself that God has a plan for my life, that God is good, and that nothing happens outside of His perfect will. But as I thought of the ever lengthening list of baby showers I would need to attend, I still couldn’t help feeling left behind.
A tiny sound alerted me that I had received a reply, and I opened my eyes to see my friends response. Beneath a ton of emoji hearts she wrote, “Thank you! We are so excited. Are you thinking about starting a family anytime soon?”
Baby announcements aren’t the only things that make me feel left behind. In fact, I have been feeling like I’m running behind since the day I turned seven years old and realized that 1) I was growing older, and 2) I had not changed the world yet. The feeling that I am in a race against time often leads me to push my limits, learn new skills, and love others as if I didn’t have a moment to lose. But it also causes me to be hard on myself, struggle to rest, and dread my birthday - as if turning a year older further emphasizes the amount of things I haven’t accomplished. Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse, I tend to see myself as running just a little bit behind.
Am I in a race against time? If so, where do I fall in the list of contestants? Am I somewhere in the middle, or lagging far behind? Is there more I should have accomplished in twenty four years that I somehow missed? At night, my mind begins to fill with these questions and I feel like I am constantly racing towards the next thing. Have I been left behind?
When I was in high school, my pastor’s wife recognized my tendency to always focus on what the “next thing” might be. During a season of waiting in my life she encouraged me to read through Psalm 23. “Pay special attention to the first part,” she advised. “The passage says that God not only leads us to green pastures and still waters, He also makes us to lie down in them.” She laughed and added, “Sometimes God chooses to make us lie down even when we are ready to run ahead to the next thing. He wants us to trust His plan for the future and enjoy His goodness in the present.” I took her advice to heart in the moment, wrote it down in my journal, and, for a short time, remembered to trust God with the future and rest in the season of life He had given me. But hopes and plans and frustrating set backs crowded out that reminder, and I once again began to see myself as falling behind.
Today I came across the old journal entry where I first wrote down my mentors advice. Sometimes God chooses to make us lie down even when we are ready to run ahead to the next thing. My Savior invites me to lie down. To rest. To enjoy the beauty that He has given me. Yet I struggle to enjoy the stage of life I am in. I worry about where I am in relation to the “finish line” (whatever that is) and forget to treasure where I am right now. He wants us to trust His plan for the future and enjoy His goodness in the present. I become so focused on the future and so frustrated when my plans don’t come to pass that I miss my Father’s voice telling me, “Be still, and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10).
Right now, my life is full of green pastures. God has placed me in a beautiful and unique stage of life that allows me to focus on building a solid foundation for my marriage and growing in my knowledge of Christ. My life is full of blessings that help me rejoice and hardships that help me grow, and I don’t want to miss those moments because I am so focused on where I hope to be in the future. Sometimes, my heavenly Father has to convince me to stop focusing on the future and rest in the moment He has brought me to. It is only when I finally surrender my own plans and “lie down” in the season of life Hr has brought me to that I realize how wonderful this stage of life truly is. The pastures are green and the waters are still and I was so busy looking at where I was going that I never noticed how beautiful it is right here.
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